Why this work is important:
· Expectations inform many facets of our lives
o our relationships with our kids and partners, family and friends.
o Drive our goals, motivations and behaviours as we move about our world
o Sense of self, worthiness and identity
o They operate in a place we more often than not are not aware of-unconsciously
Expectations are formed from our ongoing interactions with the world around us. These begun right from the beginning of life and continue to evolve and change with new experiences.
From these experiences and interactions with our world we develop reference points- belief systems that determine how we think about ourselves and how we should be interacting with the world around us.
Expectations look like judgements towards yourself and others, or experiences. They show up as projections that are placed on the people around us, especially our kids, family, and close friends. They evolve into a sort of confirmation bias, reference points that we are constantly in search of evidence to support.
Expectations give us a false sense of control and certainty in our lives- lending us the belief that we can predict outcomes, like the behaviour of our children, ourselves or our partners. These become limitations and barriers - creating rigidity and reactivity.
This may have become apparent to you at the beginning and throughout this time of COVID- when our expectations of how we think our world should be- are taken right out from under us and we are left in a frantic frenzy of fear, anxiousness, and frustration or shutting down and numbing out.
Identifying Warning Signs: When we have placed expectations on ourselves and others around us
· Increase in frequency and intensity with feelings of: resentment, anger, frustration, overwhelm, disappointment, ambivalence, doubt, reluctance and even hopelessness, like what’s the point?
· Comparison and not feeling good enough
· Presence of social anxiety, performance anxiety and symptoms of depression or burn out
· Any statement that contains SHOULD or SUPPOSED To “I should be able to…”
The Goals in exploring expectations are:
· Expanding our awareness- welcoming forward the unconscious beliefs we hold about ourselves and others- how those beliefs in turn impact the patterns of interaction in our world
· Increase flexibility in our thinking and behaviour
· Another tool to build resiliency
· Strengthening the ability to mindful and present
Before we begin: Grab pen and paper
I invite you to bring yourself into a mindset of curiosity, compassion and courage. Turn inward and bring those qualities forward- notice how you feel when you are in that headspace, how your body feels.
Now that you have welcomed those qualities in we can begin:
This work is to focus on expectations and you- not your kids, partner or career- those facets can come later, but I am sure they will show up in some of this work. Honour whatever shows up- give it space and acknowledgment
The first statement to reflect on tonight is:
I’m expected to be…
Following that I invite you to ask yourself:
How would you live your life if no one was watching?
Titles and Facets of life
You can use the different titles or roles you have in life to help you to begin unpacking expectations:
As a mom, I am expected to…
As a wife, I am expected to…
As a woman…
With my parents, I am expected to…
In my community, I am expected to…
With this health condition, I expect my body to…
I expect myself to…
Work, career, socially, culturally, gender roles
*When things start to come up- see if you can identify where they came from, which reference point or points did it originate from?
*How do these expectations that have come up inform your sense of self, identity?
*Does this expectation fit into who you are, right now? Connect back to first question: If no one was watching…
Increasing awareness around expectations doesn’t mean you have to toss them all out the window, you can do that too. But you can now be more intentional in how you interact with the expectation, creating more flexibility and resiliency in your day to day life. You can choose which ones you want to place on yourself, take on- but also reminding yourself that expectation doesn’t not equal predicted outcome.
Connecting expectations with values, morals, and ideologies on how you view the world results in keeping the ones you. Below are the links for a great values activity (1st link is instruction, 2nd is the printable card sort).
https://motivationalinterviewing.org/sites/default/files/valuesinstructions.pdf
https://www.guilford.com/add/miller2/values.pdf?t
My hope is that if you continue to explore and unpack expectations as a practice, you will welcome a greater sense of ease and knowing in being you.